I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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