And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Randomize
