the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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