I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize