went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
