My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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