Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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