She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
