We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
