Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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