Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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