So drunk, too bad you don't want this
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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