i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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