So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Randomize
