I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
