yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
