we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
