My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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