im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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