i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
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