Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
My vagina is very pro this idea
Randomize
