Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
