She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
