Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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