Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
