Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize
