omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
