I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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