Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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