I wish my penis had an off switch
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
