Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
