just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
