I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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