definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
