i may or may not be watching the land before time
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
