ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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