apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I looked at my own cervix.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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