the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
