I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Randomize
