Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
