Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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