WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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