It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
