If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
