I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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