The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
