I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
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