I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Randomize
