apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
