That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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