I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
